Dear Mets fans, Willie Randolph and Shea Stadium Media Operator,
I was at the game last night and I cannot say I was pleased with any of your performances. I am writing you all at the same time because, well, this is not really a letter I am send but rather a conceit to complain about and mock you all.
Mets fans: It's nine games in to the season, no one on the team deserves to be booed. In fact, why would you ever boo your own player. Scott Schowenweis was called in with two runners on in a tie ball game. He hadn't pitched yet in this game. Why in the world would you boo him before he ever throws the ball. Do you want him to fail? Are you guys actually Mets fans because you like the team or because you have a psychological addiction to failure and depression? Because I swear, there are better ways to get this fix. Lying in the dark in your room listening to Mazzy Star and Elliot Smith is way way more effective and doesn't screw with my life. So on this point, boo Jimmy Rollins, shut up when our players are around. The only case in which it is ever remotely acceptable to boo is if you're ready for a player to be off the team. But even then, keep quiet because I don't trust your judgment.
One other point guys. When Phillies fans show up at Shea Stadium and wander around yelling things at the crowd booing them and insulting them probably doesn't upset them. They are doing for the attention, the same way you would do it if you went down to Philly. Ignore them, it's much funnier. This is especially true when you're busy booing a Phillies fan when the Mets have two on in the bottom of the 10th inning. I assume you're all from New Jersey, because that just seems right, you would probably be much happier as Yankees fans. I know I would be happier if you were.
Willie Randolph: Jose Reyes is on first base, it's a tie game in the 9th inning and Angel Pagan, the guy who has been our best hitter thus far this year and through Spring Training, is up, what do you do? Your answer: give up an out for no reason. Sacrifice bunts are dumb. It wastes an out when there are so many better ways to move the inning along. But it is particularly dumb when Jose Reyes is the one first base (for those who are not familiar with baseball, Jose Reyes is the fastest human being alive, he once ran around the Earth so fast that he turned us back to yesterday and prevented Lex Luthor from conquering Earth). The statistical chances of this pair of incredibly fast runners getting in to a double play is negligible compared to the waste of an out in this inning. By the by, guess who eventually got the game winning hit in the 12th inning, Angel Pagan (this of course proves my point and should be seen as totally compelling evidence, rather than a random coincidence).
The second issue I have is not just for you, but all managers. There is nothing special about the 9th inning. I repeat, there is nothing special about the 9th inning. It is an inning, just like any other. When, in the 8th inning, you have Chase Utley and Ryan Howard coming up, two of the best left handed hitters in baseball coming up and in your bullpen you have the absolute best left handed closer in baseball, well this seems like a no-brainer. But instead you put in righty Aaron Heilman who proceeds to give up the lead. Look, Billy Wagner might have given up the runs, but he would have been way less likely to do so, and then Heilman could have safely pitched the 9th. It makes zero, nill, no sense whatsoever to save your best bullpen pitcher for an arbitrary inning, you throw him in at the highest leverage, most difficult moment in the game. Yes, at first the closer might grumble, but if you as team recognize that his value actually skyrockets in this situation (rather than gauge value on the totally arbitrary stat: the save) then he (and eventually the rest of baseball) will come aboard. Just because it's always how things have been done, doesn't make it a good idea.
Shea Stadium Media Operator: I just don't need hear Blur that much... ever. Stop inundating with music. When Jose Reyes gets a hit, let us do the Jose chant, don't play Rock n' Roll, Part II. P.S., perhaps we should stop playing that song at sporting events altogether, I know it's fun, but Gary Glitter was allegedly part of a child pornography ring, and I am not sure giving him royalties is all that awesome.
We don't need singalongs. If I wanted to hear sketchy Italian guys singing badly there are about a billion karaoke bars in NYC for me to attend. Sometimes it's okay to let other teams have their traditions and invent our own. I love Sweet Caroline as much as the next guy, but that's a Boston thing. Also, white rally towels?! I know that's not your fault media lady (I have decided you are a woman, and your name is Joan. You have two sons, one's named Hank, and you live in Bayside. You also have a dog.) but still this is just totally wretched. White rally towels are a Philly thing, they are our closest rivals these days. They also happened to be the team we were playing against last night. It looks cool, but it's just the height of lame to steal.
So anyway y'all, I am looking forward to a good season of baseball, but for god sakes shape up, because thus far you've been pretty mediocre.