Wednesday, February 27, 2008

Maureen Dowd is Vigo the Carpathian (JM)

Begrudging His Bedazzling

Is this a reference to the Bedazzler? The rhinestone gun that allows you to disco up your jean jacket? If so, might I just add Disco Stu don’t advertise.



A huge Ellen suddenly materialized behind Hillary on a giant screen, interrupting her speech Monday night at a fund-raiser at George Washington University in Washington.

This evokes a strangely entertain vision of a weird totalitarian society run by Ellen Degeneres. Yes, I am aware that I have made two comments with no points thus far, but to be fair neither has Maureen.

What better way for a desperate Hillary to try and stop her rival from running off with all her women supporters than to have a cozy satellite chat with a famous daytime talk-show host who isn’t supporting Obama?

Why is it desperate for Hillary to use Ellen as a spokesperson, but not Obama?

“Will you put a ban on glitter?” Ellen demanded.

Diplomatically, Hillary said that schoolchildren needed it for special projects, but maybe she could ban it for anyone over 12.

Certainly, Hillary understands the perils of glitter. The coda of her campaign has been a primal scream against the golden child of Chicago, a clanging and sometimes churlish warning that “all that glitters is not gold.”

Is that it? Is that what you spend five paragraphs setting us up for? Also not to nitpick, because I would never do that to so eminent a writer as you Maureen, but can a warning really be clanging. Moreover, churlish? Why is that anytime Hillary makes any attempt to win this election she is cast as mean-spirited?

David Brody, the Christian Broadcasting Network correspondent whose interview with Hillary aired Tuesday, said the senator seemed “dumbfounded” by the Obama sensation.

She has been so discombobulated that she has ignored some truisms of politics that her husband understands well: Sunny beats gloomy. Consistency beats flipping. Bedazzling beats begrudging. Confidence beats whining.

Experience does not beat excitement, though, or Nixon would have been president the first time around, Poppy Bush would have had a second term and President Gore would have stopped the earth from melting by now.

I wonder why this is. I wonder if it could have anything in the world to do with these types of columns. You, personally, Maureen have spent over a year tearing in to Hillary with seemingly no greater end than personal bloodlust, you Maureen once accused Al Gore of “lactating”, you Maureen probably would columns describing Nixon and shifty and jowly. On second thought, the Nixon thing probably would have been okay. But still you are a terrible journalist and you and your cohort are the very reason “excitement” beats “experience”.

Voters gravitate toward the presidential candidates who seem more comfortable in their skin. J.F.K. and Reagan seemed exceptionally comfortable. So did Bill Clinton and W., who both showed that comfort can be an illusion of sorts, masking deep insecurities.

::Jumping up and down and pointing:: See, see! Look how that last sentence might be a really good argument in favor of Hillary. I bet you’re about to follow up on this with some deeper analysis.

The fact that Obama is exceptionally easy in his skin has made Hillary almost jump out of hers. She can’t turn on her own charm and wit because she can’t get beyond what she sees as the deep injustice of Obama not waiting his turn. Her sunshine-colored jackets on the trail hardly disguise the fact that she’s pea-green with envy.

Why is it you think it is okay to just make up other people’s emotions? Why is it acceptable for you to just blatantly say mean-spirited things hidden behind terrible analogies and sophomoric wordplay. Is it cool if I were to write: “The red notebook Maureen Dowd prepares her columns in might as well be green due to the intense level of envy she has for the clearly superior intellect and talent of Hillary Clinton. Her vicious accusations are only cover for her incredible jealous over the fact that Hillary is role model for women through history and she is nothing more than a hack writer.” Is that acceptable? Sure. Why? Because I write a blog read by people who have nothing better to do than listen to the insane rants of a sarcastic New York Jew (P.S. I am not referring to the person who is currently reading this now, you’re totally cool, just some other people… definitely not you). You, Maureen, work for the New York Times.

After saying she found her “voice” in New Hampshire, she has turned into Sybil. We’ve had Experienced Hillary, Soft Hillary, Hard Hillary, Misty Hillary, Sarcastic Hillary, Joined-at-the-Hip-to-Bill Hillary, Her-Own-Person-Who-Just-Happens-to-Be-Married-to-a-Former-President Hillary, It’s-My-Turn Hillary, Cuddly Hillary, Let’s-Get-Down-in-the-Dirt-and-Fight-Like-Dogs Hillary.

Seriously all these different types could be condensed down to soft Hillary and hard Hillary. Also, awesome Sybil joke.

Just as in the White House, when her cascading images and hairstyles became dizzying and unsettling, suggesting that the first lady woke up every day struggling to create a persona, now she seems to think there is a political solution to her problem. If she can only change this or that about her persona, or tear down this or that about Obama’s. But the whirlwind of changes and charges gets wearing.

Alright that’s it. “Cascading images”?!! WTF Maureen? Are your columns corporately sponsored by the word cascading? Long time, AOTG readers will recognize that she has used the word in like seven of her previous articles and almost invariably in an inappropriate manner. It’s just weird, it’s just not that difficult or exciting of a word. What’s the deal Dowd?

By threatening to throw the kitchen sink at Obama, the Clinton campaign simply confirmed the fact that they might be going down the drain.

Sink… drain… get it? Also you write this article every week, aren’t you getting bored?

Hillary and her aides urged reporters to learn from the “Saturday Night Live” skit about journalists having crushes on Obama.

“Maybe we should ask Barack if he’s comfortable and needs another pillow,” she said tartly in the debate here Tuesday night. She peevishly and pointlessly complained about getting the first question too often, implying that the moderators of MSNBC — a channel her campaign has complained has been sexist — are giving Obama an easy ride.

Beating on the press is the lamest thing you can do. It is only because of the utter open-mindedness of the press that Hillary can lose 11 contests in a row and still be treated as a contender.

Oh yes, the press is so totally gracious. It’s so sweet of them to have allowed Hillary to stay in this race. You are the lyingist liar who ever did lie. About your last 30 columns have been Hillary hit jobs (or at least contained a quick hit or two on her character). Chris Matthews spends his nights figuring out ways to unfavorably compare Hillary to 17th century Chinese moguls. Most of the MSM has been trying as hard as possible to kick Hillary to the curb. The press has been simply terrible to Hillary and all the wishful thinking and assertions to the otherwise in the world won’t make it untrue.

Hillary and her top aides could not say categorically that her campaign had not been the source on the Drudge Report, as Matt Drudge claimed, for a picture of Obama in African native garb that the mean-spirited hope will conjure up a Muslim Manchurian candidate vibe.

God, you are just totally disgusting. I am sorry readers, much of my Maureen bashing has gone from mockery to simply reviling every word she has to say. This is just so totally unethical that I almost through my keyboard at the wall. She denied it to the best of her knowledge? What do you want her to do? Claim total omniscience about everything her staff ever does? Meanwhile when Obama hedges on a billion different things, not a word from you. But I suppose we should just all be totally grateful you and the press have let Hillary stay in the race. So kind of you.

At a rally on Sunday, she tried sarcasm about Obama, talking about how “celestial choirs” singing and magic wands waving won’t get everybody together to “do the right thing.”

This was genuinely one of the funniest things I have ever seen in a campaign. Dennis, a hardline Obama supporter agrees. This was simply great politics.

With David Brody, Hillary evoked the specter of a scary Kool-Aid cult. “I think that there is a certain phenomenon associated with his candidacy, and I am really struck by that because it is very much about him and his personality and his presentation,” she said, adding that “it dangerously oversimplifies the complexity of the problems we face, the challenge of navigating our country through some difficult uncharted waters. We are a nation at war. That seems to be forgotten.”

Actually it’s not forgotten. It’s a hard sell for Hillary to say that she is the only one capable of leading this country in a war when she helped in leading the country into that war. Or to paraphrase Obama from the debate here, the one who drives the bus into the ditch can’t drive it out.

A Maureen Dowd Column Staff Meeting (with herself)

MD: Hey, Maureen, people seem to think you’re not a terrible impartial journalist.

MD: You know, you’re right, I am great. And that just grates on people. What do they want, I’ll put the “scary Kool-Aid” quote in my column.

MD: It’s like that episode of Growing Pains when Mike gets a phone in his room and then Carol wants one.

MD: Yep, okay, I get it. I will end with non-sequitor attack on Hillary, just to make sure I am fair and balanced.

MD: You’re just great Maureen.

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