Wednesday, March 5, 2008

Maureen Dowd is an Incredibly Deep Splinter (JM)

In the year 2115, the trash compacting robot, Garbageotron 3000 came across the following column in the trash. Even given the 265 petabytes of stored information in his robot brain he was still confused.

Duel of Historical Guilts

By MAUREEN DOWD

SAN ANTONIO

Some women in their 30s, 40s and early-50s who favor Barack Obama have a phrase to describe what they don’t like about Hillary Clinton: Shoulder-pad feminism.

They feel that women have moved past that men-are-pigs, woe-is-me, sisters-must-stick-together, pantsuits-are-powerful era that Hillary’s campaign has lately revived with a vengeance.

I do not know this term, “shoulder pad feminism”. Also according to historical records Hillary Clinton never ran on the “men-are-pigs” platform. Perhaps, she was thinking of Bea Arthur’s 2016 campaign for the Senate?

And they don’t like Gloria Steinem and other old-school feminists trying to impose gender discipline and a call to order on the sisters.

As a woman I know put it: “Hillary doesn’t make it look like fun to be a woman. And her ‘I-have-been-victimized’ campaign is depressing.”

Accessing rules of journalistic ethics and standards. According to these files random quotes from random people do not meet sufficient standards of journalistic proof. Also, the Garbageotron 3000 is pretty sure that this quote was just fabricated by the author to begin with.

But Hillary — carried on the padded shoulders of the older women in Texas, Ohio and Rhode Island who loved her “I Will Survive” rallying cry that “I am a little older and I have earned every wrinkle on my face” — has been saved to fight another day.

Why does Maureen Dowd hate old women so much? Also this primary took place after Obama was caught lying about NAFTA and an attack ad about military strength. Maybe causal logic hasn’t been invented yet. Remember, Garbageotron, these people are primitive. In our day robots are capable of both using contractions and self-reference. They didn’t even have robots.

Exit polls have showed that fans of Hillary — who once said they would be happy with Obama if Hillary dropped out — were hardening in their opposition to him, while Obama voters were not so harsh about her.

Three Hillary volunteers, older women from Boston, approached a New York Times reporter in an Austin, Tex., parking lot on Tuesday to vent that Hillary hasn’t gotten a fair shake from the press. They said that they used to like Obama but now can’t stand him because they think he has been cocky and disrespectful to Hillary.

As Hillary, remarkably and cleverly, put Obama on the defensive about a real estate deal, health care and Nafta, her campaign ratcheted up the retro battle of the sexes when they sent Dianne Feinstein onto the Fox News Sunday-morning talk show to promote the idea that Hillary should not be forced out, regardless of the results of Tuesday’s primaries, simply because she’s a woman.

Not so fast, Garbageotron has access to archives of all Fox News transcripts. Ever since President O’Reilly signed in to law the Mandatory Fox News Education Act. This claim was two sentences of a long interview. I believe this is what you humans would call “cherry-picking”.

“For those of us that are part of ‘a woman need not apply’ generation that goes back to the time I went out to get my first job following college and a year of graduate work, this is an extraordinarily critical race,” the senator said.

With Obama saying the hour is upon us to elect a black man and Hillary saying the hour is upon us to elect a woman, the Democratic primary has become the ultimate nightmare of liberal identity politics. All the victimizations go tripping over each other and colliding, a competition of historical guilts.

People will have to choose which of America’s sins are greater, and which stain will have to be removed first. Is misogyny worse than racism, or is racism worse than misogyny?

Neither side was just arguing they should be elected because of their race or gender. But seriously, she should have tried living in our time. We have over 89 genders including superfemale and golf bag. Also forget about race, we have species issues. I remember when the Galacticans boycotted the 2098 Imperial Elections when the head of Howard Dean refused to seat their delegation due to the fact that the secrete a gas so deadly to most sentient beings that to be with in a mile of them is a death sentence.

As it turns out, making history is actually a way of being imprisoned by history. It’s all about the past. Will America’s racial past be expunged or America’s sexist past be expunged?

DOES NOT COMPUTE, DOES NOT COMPUTE!

As Ali Gallagher, a white Hillary volunteer in Austin told The Washington Post’s Krissah Williams: “A friend of mine, a black man, said to me, ‘My ancestors came to this country in chains; I’m voting for Barack.’ I told him, ‘Well, my sisters came here in chains and on their periods; I’m voting for Hillary.’ ”

Do you get paid to use your primitive search engines and steal other people’s quotes?

And meanwhile, the conventional white man sits on the Republican side and enjoys the spectacle of the Democrats’ identity pileup and victim lock.

Just as Michelle Obama urged blacks to support her husband, many shoulder-pad feminists are growing more fierce in charging that women who let Obama leapfrog over Hillary are traitors.

Julie Acevedo, a precinct captain for Obama in Austin, noticed that things were getting uglier on Friday, during the early voting, when she “saw some very angry women just stomping by us to go vote for Hillary. They cut us off when we tried to talk about Barack.

Oh noes! They didn’t want to hear about hope?! How dare they!

Ahem, Jonathan, this is Garbageotron’s post, thank you very much. Don’t make me tell you about your future, you won’t be happy.

“I’m 46,” Ms. Acevedo, a fund-raiser for state politicians, said Tuesday night. “Maybe I missed it by a few years, but I don’t know why these women are so fueled by such hostility and think other women are misogynists if they don’t vote for Hillary. It’s insulting and disturbing.”

She said that if Obama definitively outpaces Hillary, she will work to “heal the wounds” and woo back women who are now angry at him.

Watching Bill Clinton greet but not address — the Big Dog has been muzzled — an excited group of students at Texas State University in San Marcos on Tuesday, 19-year-old Allison Krolczyk said she was leaning toward Obama and felt no gender guilt about voting for him. “Not at all,” she said. “I think they’re both pretty amazing.”

I’m just a simple garbage collecting robot. Maybe I don’t understand your world of journalism. But it seems to me like most of this article has nothing to do with the gender/race choice and is instead about how it’s totally crazy of women to have supported Hillary Clinton. This seems in contradiction to the stated purpose of Maureen’s column. If this gets back to the year 2008, perhaps someone could let her know so she can fix this.

The crowd held up their camera phones to capture the former president, in his bright orange tie and orange-brown ostrich cowboy boots.

“We love you, Bill!” yelled one boy. “You did a good job, except for Monica.”

This is also has nothing to do with the column and seems to be just a reference to a sexual scandal during the Clinton administration. Of course, all of these scandals will soon be blown away by the McCain administration. Perhaps, Garbageotron has said too much. I will leave it at this, if Intrade is offering the following bet, “White House Holds Classical Roman Orgy, Starring Wilford Brimley”, Garbageotron suggests you take those odds. Finally, Garbageotron would like to extend birthday wishes to former President McCain who just turn 1026 today.

2 comments:

Mike Belgrove said...

I woke up this morning to see a fellow Highbrid Nation writer reporting that Hillary has won the Ohio and Texas primaries and how this is getting bad. And like him I feel like this battle between Obama and Hillary has went on too long and now they are in danger of hurting the party by allowing McCain to take shots at them while they are dealing with each other. Howard Dean should step in and say “Look, Obama is going to be the canidate and Hillary you can be his running mate if you choose”…I know I know that would never happen but a guy can dream right?

Jonathan said...

I honestly think that this contest does no harm whatsoever to the Democrats. I really don't get why people seem to think it does. No one, no one is talking about Old Man McCain. Yes, Clinton and Obama will bloody each other a bit, but this is instead of McCain landing hits. The truth is that an ongoing argument about how to get universal healthcare, peace in Iraq and a better support network for the poor in this country is great and will drive the contrast even more when American voters realize that McCain won't do anything on healthcare, plans on another 100 years in Iraq and doesn't even understand economics. Additionally, this helps create major grassroots networks in many states that will be incredibly hard to beat. I am not only in favor of this continuing, but I look forward to a revote in Michigan and Florida.