McCampaign Promises (JM)

It’s my birthday, therefore I have decided that it is perfectly acceptable to indulge myself. Thus all morning, while working, I have in passing listed every issue on the McCain campaign roster. So without further ado, McCain for President Campaign Promises:

1) A nickel’s allowance for every kid under 12; good, hard work in a cannery for those over 12.

2) A cure for polio.

3) Government investment in building the first ever steam-based rocketship.

4) Werther’s Original subsidies.

5) Wilford Brimley, Postmaster General.

6) 5 PM=mandatory Wheel of Fortune; 6 PM=bedtime.

7) More cod liver oil; Less of those frightening automatic doors at supermarkets.

8) Save the Dauphin!

9) A promise to fight the Kaiser to the ends of the Earth (which is flat) for sinking the Lusitania.

10) A remake of Encino Man, starring the incomparable Barbara Mandrell.

11) Where’d I put that damned remote?

12) Let anyone who wants in to America, in and then bomb the rest.

13) A commission to determine new synonyms for the word “crotchety” because the “crotch” part kind of makes us feel uncomfortable (much like Daniel Finkelstein and his “youth bulge”.

14) New flag colors: argyle.

15) A promise to solve our energy crisis by investing in alternative energy, like coal and lumber.

Alright, this is really just about enough of this nonsense. It’s not even particularly funny, but really when it comes to things like this does it matter. Let’s just all revel in the fact that John McCain is about 987 years old, is crazy militarist and knows almost nothing about economics. Also, you may not laugh now, but when 47 year old English teacher Edna Johnston of Des Moines, IA who lives mainly with her cats and pretty friendly television from 1989 forwards this to her 279 closest friends and then your Uncle Lenny gets it and forwards it to you with the subject line RE: FUNNY JOKE, well then who will be laughing then…